Thursday, May 18, 2006

Feeling guilty again

Having a hard time getting up to NICU.  Right now they said to try to do 1-2 feedings a day, she eats at 10:30, 1:30, 4:30 and 7:30 around the clock.  The 10:30 am one is hard to get to b/c of Brendan, I can usually make the 1:30 one, 4:30 is OK but then takes 2 hours to get home with rush hour traffic (NICU closes at 5:30 for shift change, otherwise I would stay until after traffic), 7:30 Pm I can do by myself but Scott can't come up b/c of Brendan and bedtime, and if I go up by myself I can stay until the 10:30 one but have to do it a little early b/c they close again at 10:30 for shift change stuff again.  I asked if nursing moms are allowed to stay for those but she said no b/c then everyone would want to stay.  Right now I guess it isn't as big a deal, but next week (or sooner maybe) they will start breastfeeding for real and they encourage moms to be there for as many feedings as possible.  I broke down this morning b/c I want to be there as much as possible but I just can't.  With Brendan it's hard getting him there or having to take him to the inlaws, and Scott needs to be able to still find some time to do his work.  I can go by myself, but then I feel bad that Scott doesn't get to see her.  He doesn't feel bad, he said it is more important for me to be there than him b/c of feedings, but I still feel bad.  Plus I don't want to just abandon my family and spend all my time up there and ignore Scott and Brendan, KWIM?  Sorry if I'm whining, just having a rough day.  I just wish she could come home soon!!

She's doing well though, she's 3 lbs 4 oz now!!  Still gaining well.  They all say she's such an easy baby, and she still hasn't had an apnea spell since the one several days ago.  YAYYYY!!!!!  I hope that she continues to do so well when they take her off the caffeine next week.  Maybe, just maybe, being wayyyyyy too optimistic here, she will nurse like a champ right away and they can take the feeding tube out, and she won't have any apnea spells and will demonstrate that she can stay warm and maybe she will be home in 2 weeks or less.  I know, I know, I'm being wayyyyyy optimistic here but I can't help but hope.

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